Hey Abby.

ANIMALS ROK.

Her Beauty

Author's Note: This is the story about a young girl, Payton, struggling with bulimia. She has flashbacks of her past life and the boy who had cheated on her and broke her heart. The bulimia speaks and controls her life through a being Payton named Annie. Annie has made her hate everything in her life, including her family, body and self. Payton couldn't handle it anymore so she committed suicide.

Cold, lifeless, alone; she laid, suffocating in the tight closet; her sanctuary. The world couldn’t destroy her here; no one could take her passion and twist it into the self-hatred that has become the only emotion to corrupt her soul. She heard the outside world whisper a knock; Annie was back. The hush turned to an ugly gash; mentally crushing the only barrier between judgment and the haven. Each gash broke down the door; the crisp break of each splinter of oak splintered her heart, like small  pores oozing out the small love that had just rekindled within her. She blinked; water cleansed her cracking, dry eyes, clearing her vision; the door stood there, untouched.

The uneasy stirring of the air remained, pushing Payton out of the closet; shoving her into heavy layers of cotton, causing a sweat from simply standing. She ran. Each stride seemed more impossible than the next would be. Her weak legs couldn’t hold up the fat she saw and was disgusted at every time she glanced down; with that repulsion, she worked herself harder, she needed to be skinny, she needed to be skinny, she needed to be skinny. The thoughts replayed over and over and over again in her mind. The sole aspect she had ever focused on since last November had been her weight; pounds equaling tons, fat being her mortal enemy, leaving calories to represent Satan himself. Her food turned from halves, to quarters, to eighths, to crumbs in a matter of weeks. As the number dropped, she felt her self-esteem rise. This self-battle had been the only thing in her life that she could control anymore.

Payton blinked; once again the tears flooded in. Misery was washed away with her sobbing, bringing self-hate back with the arid wind against her eyes. Focus, focus; faster, faster; the demands repeated in her mind. She used her shaking, pale hand to wipe away the streams of hot water pouring from her eyes, and pushed forward. Payton wasn’t allowed to wallow in depression, Annie said so. Annie knew everything; she was the start of this entire beautiful transformation. Annie promised amazing things, beauty, friends, acceptance… she could do anything. Payton worshiped the bond Annie and her shared, it was the only way to get her life how it had been. As it was before it all back lashed at her. Before the hate and denial drowned her heart. Before he came. Before he left. Engulfed within the dark memories, in place she grew now simply an empty soul, without positive feeling, she came back to unimaginable levels of pain, like a reoccurring disease. That man had ripped her heart from her chest, it felt like he had butchered it out; vain by vain. The moment rushed back to her; the black of her eyes visualized him, and her. Her head spun as she relived the wave of chills while her face flushed with blood; not only from the shock, but the embarrassment that she thought this couldn’t of ever happened in their relationship. He had grown to be Payton’s entire life; Payton was blinded by the perfection she saw in him. There was no way he could’ve done something wrong; Payton had to be wrong, always. Payton gave him her trust, respect and heart; but that had all crumbled down when she caught them.  She was perfect; Payton knew she couldn’t compare. If she was prettier, smarter... skinnier, maybe he’d take her back. Him and her, it still hurt to even contemplate.

Payton blinked; she shook off the remorse and tears and pushed forward. Each step drilled her fragile bones into each other; the pain was both unbearable, but pleasing. Pain meant gain, Annie said so. The heaving of her chest made her lungs feel like they would burst. Even though each pant ached her brittle frame, she had to make it home; there was no stopping, Annie said so.

As she reentered her home, she stared at her family sitting together, committing gluttony with the table-full of food before then, she nearly gagged with revulsion. Her brother turned around to see her, starting to speak, but all she could see was the food in his mouth, getting chewed and swallowed like a savage beast. Payton shivered with chills of fear; this reminded her of the threats that food has. Payton remembered to continue working, she wasn’t done; Annie said so. Payton walked away from her family, without a word to them; she couldn’t bring herself to look at the grease-infested food that they indulged on.

She went back to her room. As Payton sat on the ground to work her abs, she caught herself staring at closet, dazing at her old free-will with regret, Annie said no, so Payton went back to her workout. She crunched her stomach together until the burn stopped her breathing, but she continued. Payton wanted to see how long she could go without air; the last thing that she needed to stop taking in. Inhaling pushed out her obese stomach; but she knew Annie would help her; Annie promised that one day, she’d stop the air, the breathing. That was the goal, really. That was the very last thing she needed to be beautiful. The pain became piercing and she gasped for air. It was better for her to put this pain on herself rather than trust someone with your whole heart and have it be shattered into a million pieces. Disgusted with herself, Payton did double than what she planned.

Drenched in sweat, Payton peeled off the soaking layers of clothes she had on. Just before she went into the shower, Payton stopped and examined what Annie called ‘progress’. The huge curves that used to circle her body had vanished; making her skin cling to her bones. But it wasn’t enough, Annie said so. All her bones needed to be seen; Annie called her fat, a waste, unappreciative... the names continued. This happened whenever Payton started to feel an accomplishment; she didn’t know the end of her progress and she was reminded of that by Annie. Every. Single. Day.

Payton blinked; immediately going to the shower to hide her tears. Payton’s boney fingers dug into her scalp; all of her thick, brown hair had been disappearing. Now it was breaking and thin, but Annie reassured her that it was beautiful. So Payton continued. When she washed her body, her trembling hand brushed over what her mind perceived as a bulging stomach. Payton instantly dropped down and threw up. The familiar, sharp sting of stomach acid came rushing through her mouth. Each time, her heart seized. It felt like the blood stopped pumping, as if the arties were slowly twisting closed. She continued until she stopped having sight. She knew that if she just stared off for a while it would come back, Annie said so. Payton gasped for air and, gradually, the image of her shower floor and red blood seeping from her mouth came back to her eyes. Payton sat back and lifted her boney hand to wipe off her mouth. Annie questioned why she was sitting, relaxing; Annie grew angry, bringing her the razor.

The razor took away the stress, all other worries. All focus was on the engraved slit in the arm. Payton knew this was right, Annie said so. The sharp blades pressed up against her skin, right below her elbow. Payton pressed hard, and dragged down. Time slowed, each second felt like minutes. Her head pounded, the giant thumps made it seem like her head was about to explode. Sounds were soft, turning into a low hum. All she could make out was her slow, muffled breaths. Payton’s eyes opened, the world was silent; her motions glided through the air like a mime’s. A piercing hiss only remained, there was no sound of talking, of water splashing; nothing. Payton squeezed her eyes closed, the razor must have been halfway down her arm by now, she couldn’t tell though; everything was numb.

Payton blinked. Her wrist was in pain, and, bringing her hand to it, she found slits unbearably deep.  She studied the tranquil reds sliding from the incisions into a endless spiral of darkness. The drain had sucked away more and more red from her. Payton looked up, saw the burning steam from the water of the shower, but felt cold; freezing. Her useless limbs were nearly impossible to move, it felt like sand had been forced into her veins rather than blood…The blood.

Payton’s eyes shot down; her arm was coated with the chilled blood. Tears dripped down, forcing a part of the blood, exposing her drained, white skin. As her sobbing grew, the pale began to blend with the red creating a masterpiece of interlacing colors. “This is so beautiful,” Annie told her, so Payton knew she had done it. It was over; the painful journey had finally come to an end. Annie told her that her work had paid off; she didn’t need air or food or water or anything at all anymore. The progress was over.

Payton blinked for the last time, staring at the work done and closed her eyes softly with a smirk of accomplishment on her chapped, white lips. She whispered, “I won,” And there Payton laid in her sanctuary suffocating, cold, lifeless, alone.

Bulimia and anorexia cause over 1000 deaths each year, leading with heart and other vital organ failure, and suicide. The developments of these diseases are often with other mental disorders; commonly depression and anxiety. These eating disorders are frequently abbreviated to ‘Annie’, due to the disorder acting as its own being, first taking control of eating patterns then the mind entirely. The longer a victim has an eating disorder, the less chance for recovery and survival. Treatment for both bulimia and anorexia has been proven to be extremely effective, but without it, the aftermath is fatal.